i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
