I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
