my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
