Please, let me fuck your mom
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
