i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
