She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
only if we run a train.
done.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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