get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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