Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
