fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
