So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
