I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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