Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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