so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
