she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
