i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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