im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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