my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
