He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
