I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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