I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
