How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
