We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i will never coherently bang her
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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