I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
