He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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