I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
