I like to think it a success when the cops are called
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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