He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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