I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
