I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
