Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
