At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
