I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
