About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
