apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
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Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
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One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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