peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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