1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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