this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
