I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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