you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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