The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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