Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
