She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
