Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You made out with two different species that night
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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