so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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