Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
