Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
