why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
