I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
