You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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