Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
God, I missed his penis.
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