Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
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