what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
