Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
