The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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