Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
