please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
