i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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