you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The best revenge is premature balding
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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