turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
