The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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