4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
