she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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