the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
