dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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