I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
