i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
